My Spirited Child

I feel like I'm sharing a little much about us in this post, but I know I have friends that have struggled with having a spirited child of their own, and I want to remember what I'm learning so hopefully I can apply it. So sorry ahead of time for all the info. You will only be interested if you have one of these "spirited" children!

As many of our friends and family know we have struggled with Matisyn's "spirit" since she was about 16 months old. She was a pretty easy and accommodating baby, but has been a handful since. I have never known how to explain it because she has such different sides to her. I always wondered what I was doing wrong to get such strong, uncontrollable reactions from her. I am the parent that gets the stares in the grocery store, when really I have exhausted all of my options. I am a teacher and have had plenty of child development classes, and still have not known how to handle my little Matisyn. I have been torn too though because I am convinced that her loud, stubborn, unpredictable, and opinionated side has to exist in order to have her beautiful, energetic, intelligent, imaginative, and hilarious side. So I had heard about this book, "Raising Your Spirited Child" and I knew I had to give it a try. It says it is a book for parents of children that are "more". More intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and energetic. That's us! I've only read the first few chapters and I can't believe how spot on it is for her. So many of the characteristics and situations are exactly her. I've never felt like anything else fit. Some people say it's because she's three, which I know is part of it, but not all three year olds are quite as extreme. Some say it's because of the new baby, which has made it worse, but she was definitely already "spirited." And other things didn't seem to fit either. She is just too happy to be depressed, too dedicated and able to focus and concentrate when she is interested in something to be ADHD, and too sweet and loving (lacking most of the mean aggression or anger) to have some defiance issue (other than being 3!). So it's been enlightening to see so much of Matisyn described in this book. Here are some of the things I have learned so far, the most important being that there is hope to direct all this spirit where it should be, and some tips to handle her personality. I hope it helps us both! I figure even if she does grow out of this stage soon, and it is because she is three, the ideas can still help us survive until then.

Two things I have thought about are making sure she has a more established routine so she isn't surprised and can adapt, and being more positive with the labels I give her. I've known through my experiences with children in the classroom how important they both are. The first chapter of the book really stresses how important it is to change perceptions, reflect their potential, and give positive images. It doesn't say it will be easy to go from believing our frustrating child is really just persistent and committed, but that it will help. I'm going to try to change my perceptions, as well as Matisyn's about herself.

Enthusiastic instead of loud, assertive and tenacious instead of stubborn, strongly committed to one's goals instead of opinionated, energetic instead of wild and crazy, analytical instead of whiny, charismatic instead of manipulative, dramatic instead of explosive (at least I already use this one!), and flexible and creative instead of unpredictable. (Ok, so I just lost my temper and freaked out because Matisyn somehow hurt baby sister and made her cry. I have a ways to go with this patience and understanding stuff, but I'm working on it!)

It was comforting to see in writing that my actions do not cause her to be spirited. These little ones come with their own temperament, and they have their own natural way to respond to things. The need for them to respond a certain way is real, but we can work on managing it appropriately.

The book says the five main things that make a child spirited are their intensity, persistence, sensitivety, perceptiveness, and adaptability. The intensity describes our dramatic and intense side. We all know she is extremely persistent, and it makes sense why ignoring her tantrums have not worked. She just get louder and longer, and it doesn't seem to discourage her from reacting that way the next time. I'm really hoping for help with these. The sensitivity isn't as much her, but it does explain why she refused to wear her new panties until I figured out that the tags were bugging her. She was fine once I cut them out. The perceptiveness shows her ability to pick up on moods and concepts and to see things I hadn't even noticed. It also explains why I send her to get dressed or complete a task and she gets distracted by something interesting on the way. It isn't necessarily that she doesn't want to listen or obey, even though it feels like she never listens. The adaptability explains why she needs to be prepared for what is coming next, and why surprising her with expectations or events does not always go over well. The bonus things they describe don't fit her as well because she is so happy, social, and excited about things. She does have the energy one though. She's running laps around our table right now!

Emilyn is a pretty sprited baby, so hopefully she is a calm, go with the flow toddler! I'm going back to my reading now!